tv At Midnight Comedy Central October 28, 2013 8:00pm-8:31pm PDT
>> it is 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on the internet today. that is an artist in brooklyn pouring milk over herself while reciting poetry. because... brooklyn. ( laughter ) comedianes, please tweet as a member of that audience right there. kyle kinane. >> finally a poeet that knows enough to baeft herself before putting her head in the oven. >> deon cole. >> all that milk is going to make those kit kitties soggy. >> it's brooklyn, so the milk is local. tom. >> party got great when the giant box of cocoa puffs came out. >> it's time for "@midnight." captioning sponsored by comedy central welcome to "@midnight." belching up the acid of social media from the peptic ulcer of pop culture, i am chris
hardwick. our comedians are battling today for the pestreejous title of funniest person in the world. for the whole weekend, guys. thiwelcome. we appreciate it. i appreciate it. fantastic panel tonight. his aol bum is called "wiskey icarus,." he's also the voice of comedy central, kyle kinane. ( cheers and applause ) can you please do live what you would normally do teasing into the show? >> oh, man, what time is the show on? >> it's on at midnight, like the title. >> that works out. >> performing ten harold washington cultural center on november 23, my brkd it's deon cole. deon cole, while perrusing your tweets in a creepy fashion on noticed on september 16, 2013, i noticedded you o.d.'d on pineapple, explain. >> i tend to drink the juice as
if it's liquor. >> from the sitcom "sean saves the world," thursdays on nbc, it's tom lennon. ( cheers and applause ). tom, now, you're an executive producer on this very show. were you given the answers ahead of time? >> yes. ( laughter ) but-- but i will say, any-- any money that i win on the show is going to be given to a very nice bunch of hookers. ( laughter ). >> so zero dollars. >> well, they're used to it. ( laughter ). >> tom, follow-up question-- did you have to have a penis reduction to fit into the shorts of lieutenant dangle? >> no, not at all. >> all right, let's start our first round ripped from today internet headlines. it's "rapid refresh." through the there's that thing. i'm going to give you a guys a question with three possible answers. the first comedian to buzz in with the correct answer gets 100
points. it was announced today that jamie dornan has been cast as christian grey in the movie version of "50 shades of grey," and the internet went 50 inches of cray. that's actually not him. that's not him. >> are you sure? >> there he is! there he is! that's jamie dornan. which of the following-- >> 50 inches of cray. >> 50 inches of cray, you get 100 points for that. that's really funny. which of the following was a real fan tweet about this news? a, o.m.g., jamie dornan is anything to be 50 inches of cray. i can't. my ovaries. ( laughter ) b, vagina has gone mental! ( laughter ) c, jamie dornan, sun. yes, kyle kinane. >> a, because i wrote it. ( laughter ). >> i'm glad you did. actually, they're all correct. all of those things were said on
said on twitter today about the news of jamie dornan becoming christian grey. a woman in the front row literally fanned herself. just the mention of the man's name. which of the following is not one of james franco's paintings that he posted to instagram? a, a fat monkey. b, a fapt eagle. c, a deer three sell. louvre laugh tom lennon. >> fat monkey. >> no, the correct answer is fat eagle. fat eagle. >> oh! >> let's take a look at the deer threesome because it's actually pretty nice. look at that. guys the game "throne of swords" porn parody is finally here. "game of bones: winter is cumming." it's being r released tomorrow. in the porn parody, what is the "throne of swords" made of? a, vibrating dildos. b, mannequin arms gripping dildos. c, dragon dicks? kyle. >> a, vibrating dildos?
that's a redundant statement? >> let's take a look and see what it is. yes! vibrating dildos! oh! >> oh! that's like thed in of one of those brookstone massage chairs. >> so this one is not going to pull any punches, uplike the real show where the dude ( bleep ) his sister. >> ythat's right, that's right. >> they're not going to hold back. >> no, no, no. they're going to do that, too. it's just now there is a dick throne. it's time for tonight's hashtag war. ( cheers and applause ) let's keep it going. thanks, guys. thanks for joining in. i'm going to give you guys a hashtag. buzz in with as many tweet as you can. for each correct example you get 250 points. tonight's hashtag is bad serials.
examples might be grope nut. our lumpy charm. or dishonor able discharged captain crunch with dingleberries. deon. >> co-co-puff-puff-pass. >> tom? >> captain felct. >> kyl? >> oat blisters. >> deon. >> froster flakes. >> kyle? >> honey bunches of radishes. >> you bet. point. tom? >> apple jack-offs. ( applause ) >> point. that's part of a balanced brk fast. kyle. >> rocky dennis' clumpy mash mallow faces. the mask joke. >> yeah, i know, i can't-- oh, crap. i'll give you point.
tom deon. >> early morning kellogg. >> ah, no, they didn't back you up on that one. one more, kyle. >> olden grahams. >> i'll give you point for that. that takes us to the end of hashtag wars. we see kyle kinane with a commanding lead, representing the voice of comkey central well as we go to our first live challenge. a woman in australia threw a racist african themed party for her 21st birthday. posted the pics to facebook this week. >> that's a racist. >> this, of course, went viral and led to some much-deserved internet shaming. i'm sorry for the sensitive racial nature of this, deon. >> by the way -- >> poor deon our first african american contestant and this is the kind of ( bleep ). he doesn't deserve this!
( cheers and applause ) welcome black to "@midnight." if you remember, before the break, i showed you some unforgivable pictures that an industrial anposted on facebook of her horribly racist 21st birthday party. she probably thought it would be popular on black fakebook. >> black fakebook. >> thank you for laughing at that. >> how about the dude in the gold that just showed up in the gold shirt. >> they ran out of makeup. >> ran out of makeup, but i'm still racist over here. i just want everyone to know. i asked you guys to respond to
her facebook event as an invited guest. >> great party. got so drunk, i flashed my hakuna ma-ta-tas. >> kyle? >> i wrote, "can't wait going to bring a boat load of friends." i'll show myself out. i'll show myself out. ( laughter ) >> remember to direct your tweets to @kyle kinane. the voice of central comtee. >> i didn't throw the party. >> dole. >> oh, white people. >> i'm going to bring 30 real ( bleep ). is that cool? ( laughter ) ( applause ) as we go to our next game. >> i don't feel good about that.
>> it's time to play esty pitch men. in the real world retail stores go out of business when they can't pay rent. but on esty you can sell all sorts of weird crap and keep your doors open. you have to give me a killer tag line to help sell it, because they need. like the first one, maggot ponytail holder. that's a real thing. only $6.69. >> maggot a true fly girl's night out with this accessory. comes in red, pink, or larv-ender. >> i am a sucker for puns. did you two. twof 50 points, well done. this next one, kitty burgers painting. by the way, $250 for this. tom? >> hold the titties, hold the
lettuce, special titties don't upset us. >> you know what? i know you made yourself cringe a little bit, but i'm going to give you 250 points for that. the audience seemed to be on your side. >> hitler was a painter, and i'm sure the guy who painted this wasn't that bad. >> it was painted by titler. six-foot tall shoe. there it is, next to a human. yes, kyle. >> you should see the side of her dick. >> points! points! these esty items are flying off the shelf. next one, next one. this is my favorite, creepy baby head fascinator hair clip. delight your friends. deon cole. >> white people ( bleep ). ( applause ) let's not start throwing stones at esty. >> if you like white people you will love this next one.
a three-faced popcorn clown. bam! deon. >> more white people ( bleep ). >> yes, more points. 250 points. well played. ( applause ) that's our second live challenge. this photo of a running back from notre dame went viral today. here he is, handsomely in the middle of being tackled, his helmet ripped off to reveal his incredibly handsome and photogenic face. sure the world is crumbling around him. but you couldn't tell from his face. gentlemen, please caption this glorious photo. we will get your answers right after the break. we will be back with more
( cheers and applause ) >> welcome tbook "@midnight." thanks for coming back. before the break our comed yaps were asked to caption this disturbingly photographic football player. comedians, how did you caption this photo? let's start with tom. >> setting off the gay-dar at norad. ( laughter ) >> deon? >>ed from night headlines, ladies. >> kyle kinane. >> there's never been a more american image, and i've seen an eagle ( bleep ) a cheeseburger backstage at a springsteen concert in jersey. how many characters is that? i want a character check on th
that. >> that was a lot of character there. >> that was a ( bleep ) load of character. >> mumford & sons over here is using a lot of characters. i just know this isn't-- this is a protest right now. >> take my tweets with the characters and go in the back and drink some gin. >> retired restler the iron sheik praises and attacks people on twitter. i'll give you a celebrity or a brand, in which case you say the real or he hate them upon the jarboni. hockey. >> jab. >> absolutely correct. >> he said hulk hogan ( bleep ) a miley cyrus and both can ( bleep ) the wrecking ball in the ass. that is a lot of hate. that is a lot of hate. next worng the movie white chicks, the movie white chicks. how did he feel about that?
deon. >> the real. >> he loved it. white chicks, better movie than the notebook. didn't like the notebook. it's a sad ending. >> and he tweeted that pretty recently. >> pretty recently, yeah. he's up to date. >> he made note it was a movie and not just he liked white chicks better than watching the notebook. kind of an old movie, ain't it? >> it is a little bit. how does he feel about vincent van gogh? kyle. >> jarboni. >> yes, jarboni. vavan gogh, go ( bleep ) yourse. ( bleep ) and you your ear. >> i like him. ( laughter ) >> starry nuts. >> how is it the sheik feel about mondays? tom? >> jarboni. >> jarboni! he said blooech you monday. you are dumb pies of ( bleep ). i have big news on thissed it and i'd be happy and share with
you. otherwise, suck my 10-inch ( bleep ). that is one unhappy garfield. next one, jay-z. deon. >> the real. >> the real, yes. jay-z, not the gay-z, but. it's the hug the jay-z with a backhand in the process. kyle are you in the lead, deon in second place, tom trailing in third place, and you're the executive producer of this show, representing the show fantastically today. i know. what are you going to do? all you have is owl that "night at the museum" money to fall back on. >> and a tesla and mansion. >> other than that-- you don't have a lot of point. this will be the great equal idesser. this is called cringe-worthy. this is a game i found on reddit-- by the way, reddit is the coskico of the internet.
a box of kangaroos asked, using three word how much you can make me cringe. i love the game so much we decided to put it on the show. i will give you 60 seconds and you will have three word to make moo cringe. if you do, you get 250 point. 60 seconds on the clock and go. deon. >> crush the head. >> kyle? >> children's edible underwear. >> yes, tom. deon. glue your pee-pee hole. >> the crowd didn't go for it but baud of the cultural guilty of facebook, you get 250 point kyle. >> discreet orphan rentals. >> tom? >> exwrand ma's arby shirt. haug( laughter ) kyle? >> found meat sandwich.
point, points. deon? >> masturbating brillo glove. >> points! points! tono point. no wishing well, kyle. >> experienced prison masseuse. >> point to the end. fantastic, kyle you're in first place. deop with 3,000, and our executive prosecutor tom lennon has been very fairly eliminated today. tom, i'm so sorry. do you have any parting word? >> avenge my death. >> avenge tom lennon's death, everyone. thank you so much for being here, tom. i'm see you in the office. that means it's time for our head-to-head face-off for win. there's a new fashion trend right now called necropant. these are pant made out from the hollowed flesh of a deceased person. >> oh! >> there they are in a museum in iced land.
( cheers and applause ) >> welcome back to "@midnight." it's been a tense match but this is the moment you've been waiting for. it's for the win. any last words before we get into this, kyle? >> i'm still real sorry about the boat load thing? >> you're going to get an e-mail in a couple of days. you know that was comedy, right? i'm going to wipe your scores cleerng wipe, wipe, wipe. the winner will be decided democratically by the audience. your challenge was to write an amazon review of iceland's newest trend necropant.
there's a shell of a dong right there on the front of those pants. they're sort of like those creepy workout shoes that have all the toes in them but for your dong. this is currently on display in a museum and made of real dead human flesh. your reviews were. number 1, one star, do not use as fishing weights. ( laughter ) or number 2, number 2, these must be made in china-- not enough dick room! ( applause ) all right, i do believe that number one was the winner. who was number one? that was kyle kinane! who cruised all the way through. congratulations, kyle. deon, good to see you, man. a pleasure. please come back on the snow, man. you are now the funniest person in the world for the weekend kyle kinane. enjoy your new title all weekend long. until then, thanks a lot for watching this week. it's been an absolute pleasure.
keep the game going by tweeting us at "@midnight." plea stay tuned to house party coming up next. (wolf howling, thunder crashing) >> storm clouds gather, darkness prowls, the moon shines full as specters howl. this scary house, this lonely road, revenge is coming and best served cold. revenge on jeff, who plays with dolls. revenge on walter, who moans and scowls. peanut, jose, shall know their place,